Anaya Family in Las Vegas: July 2008

My sister Jojo told me about a great article that she read in the SGV Tribune and I thought I would post it for all those who have children, (are going to have children) and may find themselves in this same situation.
I remember a time, like in the article, that good behavior was the norm and not the exception. "Your children are so well behaved" was an undersatement, not the shock and awe and amazement that usually comes after this statement is spoken.
What are we really teaching our children? Are we preparing them for all that life has to throw at them? or are we coddling them and "Mommy will make it all better" them to death?

Good grades, behavior are to be expected; no reward needed
By Anissa V. Rivera, Correspondent

There are a million ways to parent, but I want the way that grows good, decent, useful, happy kids.
Lately I've been rethinking my reward system for my two boys.
This all started when Firstborn Son was 4 and discovered consumerism. Behold, toys were for the buying at Target! He didn't throw tantrums if he didn't get a new gizmo, but he learned to ask (and ask, and ask again.) So I started tying strings to the playthings: Clean up the family room and get a treat.
Now he's 6, and we've developed a responsibility chart with points for each chore and a weekly total he has to earn before getting, say, a new pack of Pokemon cards. But I see that I've also thoughtlessly fallen into giving my boys a too-rewarding life: Get all your spelling words right, earn a trip to the bookstore. Behave well at church, get a doughnut. Please, just be quiet while Mama works on her column, and you get to stay up longer. These days, my son's Holy Grail, the bribe above all bribes, is a trip to the aquarium or Chuck E. Cheese.
So much of my parenting is instinctive and my instincts are telling me, "Whoa."
I don't want my kids to expect a reward every time they accomplish something. For example, Firstborn Son is an excellent reader.
So I was disappointed his name didn't appear among the top accelerated readers in his class (students have to read on their own and answer questions via computer, which tallies up the books they've read).
"Joseph,"
competitive mama intoned, "when you make it to the top 4 in accelerated reader, you get a new DS game."
Yes, shake your finger vigorously at me now. I really wasn't thinking of my son learning and enlivening his literary life. I was imagining other parents and teachers saying, "What a smart son you have!" and me serenely accepting compliments.
Another parent (and educator to boot) came to the rescue about equating good grades with cool gifts. He told me good grades are a reward in themselves and good behavior should be expected, not rewarded.
Otherwise, it means if you are not there, and a reward is not imminent, good behavior does not matter.
"A very important component of maturing is learning to deal with disappointment in a proper way," he added. "It's the child who benefits from doing well in school, and when you start attaching gifts for good grades, maybe the value of learning begins to get lost. Will your children get treats when they are adults and are disappointed?"
When my kids see me treating myself to a tea latte when I've had a challenging day, or losing myself in a novel after the dishes are done, am I teaching my boys there's a reward for enduring everyday inconveniences? And when my kids are hurt or disappointed, will they turn to shopping or sweet treats to make them feel better?
And as my wise friend says, the most is learned from failing. Children need to learn how to deal with failure and use it to motivate themselves to do better.
I would love to cultivate a positive attitude in my family more than a "gimme" one, so when hardship comes, my boys can learn something from it and feel something more sublime than the half-day rush of getting a new toy. Love and deep joy and contentment, all these things don't come wrapped in plastic wrap and wire ties. Hugs and time spent together are the stuff of life, no matter what the credit card commercials say.
I need to remember that in my everyday.
I need to remember it every day.
Anissa V. Rivera is a columnist for the Highlander weeklies. She has a blog at http://www.insidesocal.com/mom and can be reached at anivriv@yahoo.com

Lets all take stock in what is really important people!!!